The Day My Libido Entered Witness Protection

Remember when sex used to sound fun? Like, actual fun — not something that required a nap, a chiropractor, and three glasses of wine first? Yeah, me too. Then menopause showed up, packed my libido in a suitcase, and shoved it into Witness Protection. I swear I’d have better luck tracking down Jimmy Hoffa.

When “In the Mood” Becomes “In the Way”

Here’s the thing: hormones crash, energy tanks, dryness shows up uninvited — and suddenly “sexy time” feels like someone just handed you a chore chart. Want me to fold the laundry? Empty the dishwasher? Oh, and fake an orgasm? Sure, let me pencil that in between my night sweats and existential dread.

And the biggest plot twist? Sometimes it’s not even about your partner. It’s about you. That fiery spark you used to have? Yeah, she’s sipping margaritas on a beach somewhere while you’re over here wondering if eating tacos in bed counts as intimacy.

Things I’d Rather Do Than Have Sex Right Now

• Eat snacks in bed and not share.

• Reorganize my junk drawer.

• Watch a true crime doc about how Janet from Iowa killed her husband in a fit of rage after finding out he was having an affair with the nanny.

• Nap. Always nap.

The Libido Plot Twist Nobody Warned Us About

Here’s the kicker: it’s not just about “losing interest.” Libido loss in menopause is tangled up with hormones (low estrogen and testosterone), fatigue, mood swings, and body image. Around 50% of women in perimenopause and menopause report changes in desire.

So no, you’re not broken. You’re not frigid. You’re not “less of a woman.” You’re just… a woman in midlife who’s dealing with a body that’s playing by new rules. And honestly? That deserves less shame and more sarcasm.

Things That Kill the Mood Faster Than Hormones

• Joint pain. Because nothing says “sexy” like trying to roll over and pulling a "hammy".

• Dryness. Yeah, that dryness. Let’s just say if lube were stocks, we’d all be millionaires.

• Exhaustion. Want sex? Cool. Wake me up in three to five business days.

• Someone saying, “You used to like this.” Congratulations, you just earned a black belt in mood-killing.

Mafia Survival Tips for Libido MIA

• Redefine intimacy. Cuddles, laughter, and snacks totally count.

• Ditch the guilt. If you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood — you’re not Amazon Prime, you don’t owe anyone same-day delivery.

• Invest in lube like it’s Bitcoin. Don’t be shy. Walk into Walgreens and own that s***.

• Remember: it’s temporary. Your sex drive isn’t dead, it’s just on an extended vacation with no forwarding address.

Why We Talk About This

Because the world tells women our sex appeal is our value — and menopause is here to call BS on that. The Menopause Mafia is rewriting the narrative: libido or no libido, we’re still powerful, desirable, and hilarious AF. Whether you’re getting it on, taking a nap, or eating Doritos in your best sweatpants, you’re still worthy.

Bedroom Verdict

We’re done whispering about sex like it’s scandalous. The Menopause Mafia says it loud: your worth isn’t tied to your libido, and you can still be a badass even if “sexy lingerie” now means a “sports bra that doesn’t pinch.”

👉 Join the Mafia — because even if your libido’s ghosting you, we’ll never leave you high and dry.

The Menopause Mafia...Serving hot flashes, hormones, and humor since 2025.