The 7 Stages of a Hot Flash (and Why Mine Deserves an Oscar)

Hot flashes are dramatic. They’re theatrical. They’re chaotic. They’re unpredictable. They’re genuinely some of the most cinematic moments of menopause. And after experiencing approximately 4 million of them, I feel confident saying: My hot flashes deserve an award. Not sympathy. Not cooling towels. An actual AWARD.

So let’s break down the official 7 stages of a hot flash — the scientifically inaccurate but emotionally correct way.

Stage 1: “Is It Warm in Here?” — The Denial Stage

Denial is how it always begins. The first whisper of warmth creeps up your neck like a nosy neighbor.

You instantly assume:

• someone messed with the thermostat

• the weather changed

• your shirt fabric suddenly decided to suffocate you

• you’re imagining things

This is adorable.This is optimistic.This is also wrong.

Because just when you convince yourself it’s “not a big deal,” Stage 2 slaps you across the soul.

Stage 2: The Hot Flash Moment of Realization

Ah yes. The moment when everything in your body goes still. You feel the buzz. The hormonal tension. The quiet rumble of a biological betrayal happening in real time.

This is where you pause — frozen mid-task — and think: “Oh. Hell. No.”

Anyone near you becomes aware that something is terribly wrong. Your eyes get wide. Your posture stiffens. Your soul prepares to exit the building. You’ve entered the point of no return.

Stage 3: The Spontaneous Combustion Phase

This is not a drill. This is the ignition phase.

Suddenly you are hotter than:

• a cast iron skillet

• a mid-July sidewalk

• Satan’s sauna

• your ex’s new partner who absolutely lies about their age

Heat rolls through your body in waves. Your chest ignites. Your scalp cooks. Your armpits activate like busted fire hydrants. You’re throwing clothes off with the passion of someone trying to escape quicksand.

Everything is too much:

• fabric

• air

• expectations

• conversations

• LIFE

This is when your partner should be silent. VERY silent.

Stage 4: The Sweat Tsunami

Oh sweetie. Here it comes. Your body unleashes sweat from places you didn’t even know had pores. You are glistening. You are shimmering. You are moist like a grocery-store rotisserie chicken that has seen things. Your shirt is now a wet paper towel. Your hair looks like you lost a fistfight with humidity. Your bra? It needs its own support group. This phase leaves no survivors.

Stage 5: The Rage Phase

This is one of my favorites because it’s so wildly irrational yet deeply justified.

You are now irritated at:

• your clothing

• your family

• your furniture

• the air

• the lighting

• every life choice that led you to this moment

This isn’t “annoyed.” This is “my inner dragon is awake and she is HUNGRY.” Your family knows to scatter. Your partner considers moving out temporarily. Even the dog won’t make eye contact. You are not to be approached.

Stage 6: The Sudden Arctic Blast

Just when you’re certain you’ll never know coolness again…BOOM.

The heat exits your body like it just clocked out of a 12-hour shift. Now you’re freezing. Cold. Damp. Miserable. Wrapped in blankets like a sad burrito. Your brain tries to process how you went from “molten lava” to “abandoned ice cube” in 45 seconds. It’s emotional whiplash and your brain is waving a tiny white flag.

Stage 7: The Existential Aftermath

And finally… the cooldown.

This is where you stare into space and think:

• What just happened?

• Did anyone see that?

• Should I apologize?

• Should I write a memoir?

• Did I just become a member of the Academy?

Because that performance? That cinematic meltdown? That journey? It was Emmy-worthy. Golden Globe-worthy. Pulitzer-worthy. Nobel Peace Prize-worthy if were being honest. That wasn’t a just a hot flash. That was a one-woman, broadway-headlining, ticket-selling, confetti-canon-deserving, red-carpet-owning, crowd-standing ovation of a meltdown.

Survival Tips for Hot Flash Warriors

Nothing new — just expanded, juicier versions of your faves.

1. Fans EVERYWHERE

This is not optional.Your home should look like a warehouse for Dyson.

2. Layer Strategically

You should be able to remove clothing so fast it feels choreographed.

3. Stay Hydrated

Because dehydration + menopause = your patience evaporating on contact.

4. Ice Packs Are Your Friends

Chest, neck, bra, forehead — we don’t judge placement.

5. No Questions Allowed Mid-Flash

Family members must remain silent unless there is an emergency or someone won the lottery.

6. Avoid Heat in All Forms

The kind that fogs your glasses AND the kind that fogs your judgment.

7. Accept Your New Abilities

You’re basically a X-Men character now. Hot flashes aren’t pretty. They aren’t fun. They aren’t glamorous. But they ARE legendary. And if you’ve survived even one, congratulations — you’re now a certified member of The Menopause Mafia. And honestly? You deserve your own award category.

If this post made you laugh, check out our hilarious podcast: follow, subscribe and download Menopause on the Mic on our website, Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, come join the crew at TheMenopauseMafia.com — where we’ve got menopause merchandise, menopause coaching, and zero patience for bullshit.