Night Sweats and Other Unsolicited Hobbies

Misti Graham
Sep 26
2 min read

Updated: Oct 21

The Postgame Report: Morning After the Sweat Storm

Waking up after a night sweat isn’t just unpleasant — it’s like discovering evidence of a crime you don’t remember committing.Your bed looks like a forensic scene.Your hair’s doing something found only in tropical climates.And your partner’s over there, cozy under the covers, blissfully unaware that you just survived your own private monsoon season.

There’s that special moment when you think, “Maybe I should just sleep on a towel tonight.”Congratulations — that’s your official initiation into the Menopause Mafia. Level Reached: Human Crockpot.

When Sleep Becomes a Contact Sport

Night sweats aren’t just “a little sweat.” They’re:

Sleeping in a fort made of ice packs and broken dreams.
The Midnight Pillow Olympics: Flipping, rotating, tossing, and turning until you are the first gold medal winner in pillow gymnastics.
Strategically placing fans so it looks like Beyoncé’s wind team set up your bedroom.

Up to 75% of women deal with night sweats during menopause. So yeah, you’re not alone in your midnight Slip ’N Slide — and the Mafia is sweating right along with you.

Late-Night Thoughts Nobody Asked For

“Do I live in a rainforest, or is this just me?”
“Would it be weird if I slept in the freezer?”
“Does Amazon Prime sell sweat-proof sheets? … As a six-pack?”
“Should I just give up and sleep naked on the tile in the kitchen?”

Mafia Survival Tips

Keep extras nearby. Towels, PJs, sheets, clip-on fans, cooling sprays — your bedroom should look like an official NASCAR pit stall.
Ice packs aren’t just for injuries. Stick one under your pillow and call it innovation.
Turn down the AC. Yes, your electric bill will cry, but so will you if you don’t.
Lean into humor. If you’re awake anyway, at least screenshot your misery and send it to your fellow Mafia members.

Let’s Call This What It Is

Because pretending “it’s not that bad” doesn’t make your sheets any less swampy. The Menopause Mafia exists so you can laugh at your sweaty midnight chaos instead of suffering in silence.

The Silver Lining (Yes, There Is One)

Sure, at this point you’re half-feral and smell faintly of lavender spray, but you’re also part of a club full of women who get it. We’ve all done the 3 a.m. pajama change and we’ve all stared at the ceiling, wondering if sleep is just a wondering if sleep is just some cosmic joke — a mythical concept like unicorns, balance, or jeans that still fit.